Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
- Mark Twain

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
- Mark Twain

Such is the human race. Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
- Mark Twain

Sufficient unto the day is one baby. As long as you are in your right mind don't you ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a permanent riot; and there ain't any real difference between triplets and a insurrection.
- Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

That's the difference between governments and individuals. Governments don't care, individuals do.
- Mark Twain

The altar cloth of one aeon is the doormat of the next.
- Mark Twain

The approach of Christmas brings harrassment and dread to many excellent people. They have to buy a cart-load of presents, and they never know what to buy to hit the various tastes; they put in three weeks of hard and anxious work, and when Christmas morning comes they are so dissatisfied with the result, and so disappointed that they want to sit down and cry. Then they give thanks that Christmas comes but once a year.
- Mark Twain

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer somebody else up.
- Mark Twain

The Bible is a mass of fables and traditions, mere mythology.
- Mark Twain